Judging from my MySpace blog comments and from another blog I read this morning, it seems that a few other people identify with the place I’m at right now - after a long, dark journey, we’re feeling blessed, grateful and hopeful.
During the time that I was gone, I had an encounter with a nasty bill collector who, quite illegally, said some very inappropriate things to me in an attempt to make me feel bad about myself. He literally told me that I deserved to be sick because I couldn’t pay my bills and said that this should really be bothering me - as if it isn’t?????????
After the phone call, I left to go to work and had to turn around and go home halfway there because my stomach decided that this information should be regurgitated, literally. I was so sick to my stomach that I couldn’t drive. Now, Parthena hates to vomit so much that I will do anything to avoid it. There was no avoiding it this time.
As I was driving back to the house, I became increasingly angry at this person. But his plan to destroy my spirit backfired. A reflection upon my life from my childhood in the House of Horrors at Dysfunction Junction to my abusive marriage to rape to chronic pain to winning the most prestigious award at the OU School of Social Work to raising three kids while getting a Master’s Degree to caring for a terminally ill spouse showed me very clearly that although I am not yet where I’d hoped to be (in fact, my life is nothing like I thought it would be by this age), I have more than survived these challenges and that I am one of the strongest people I know. Many people, and very likely the idiot who made these accusations, would not have come this far. Many faced with the physical challenges alone have laid down and succumbed to their illness and disability.
A few weeks ago, a friend and I went to the casino after work. I was approached by a man 13 years my junior who really, really wanted me to go home with him. We had a lot in common and he was adorable (and had a little money, too!) - and under other circumstances could have been Mr. Right, but he also admitted to loving his beer. Well, I’m done with that so although I gave him my number, I haven’t called him back even to tell him I that I think he’s a great guy but I’m not the right person for him right now. It was very flattering to know that I’ve still “got it.”
For years, I struggled with my wavy hair, straightening it, cutting it and trying to get it to do everything it didn’t want to do. I expected to wake up one day bald and find a note on the pillow that said, “We’ve had enough, we’re outta here.” This past year, I made peace with it and am thankful every day that it’s rather pretty and I love it. I love its freedom and wildness and refusal to be controlled. It’s a lot like its owner.
I’ve given several pieces of the jewelry I make to co-workers and friends and when I see them wear it, I often think, “Wow, I made that? It’s gorgeous!”
Napoleon Hill, author of the book “Think and Grow Rich,” mentions that success will likely take most of us half our lives to achieve. I’m now 51. What I had wanted most for my life was to have a happy, normal, solid family, especially for the children I brought into this world. Marrying Mr. Right Hook with an Enzyte complex wasn’t exactly the right thing to do to get there. When it didn’t work and I had to leave, I was devastated at the death of my dream. I still feel a sense of grief that this wasn’t meant to be but I am now seeing the purpose that it served in my life. The medical problems that I have had and the doctors who have caused them have been building into a book or some other means of educating the public - and hopefully creating some accountability for these people, as well as the insurance companies who are at the root of the problem. Now, every time I’m given another bad experience I silently thank them for the ammunition.
My goal in going to college was to be financially secure, and due to many factors that didn’t happen either. Being a middle aged widow who makes little money and is alienated from two of her children thanks to Mr. Right Hook and his crazy mother (a situation soon to be dealt with) and who has dealt with chronic pain and fatigue for the past 18 years wasn’t in any of the cards I would have drawn for myself.
But becoming a gifted artist, designer, writer, dancer and intuitive with wonderful friends and a job rich in blessings wasn’t, either. I never saw any of these things for myself, and if I’d left it up to the father and ex-husband who told me how worthless I was on a daily basis and reinforced it with their fists, I wouldn’t be here. It has taken me the better part of my life to overcome the self-loathing that was imprinted on my soul, and I’m thankful for all of the forces of survival that wouldn’t allow my spirit to die.
Today, my goal is to retire in 3 1/2 years as a millionaire because my life has shown me that anything is possible. I plan to be a successful entrepreneur working from home and happily giving readings and writing books and designing tarot decks with Annette and volunteering for my hospice company and being grateful for the spiritual rewards it brings rather than worrying about money.
Today, I look in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful and wonderful I am. Above the sink in my bathroom stands a miniature witch and mirror to remind me that I have the power to say “Mirror, Mirror on the Wall” and have the power to have Mirror answer whatever I want it to.
We’ve all been told many times that we have to love ourselves. I’m coming to believe that it’s more than that - we have to literally fall “in love” with ourselves to release our true worth and beauty. It seems that when I came to the place where I didn’t care what anyone else thought of me, I attracted only the very best people who love me unconditionally. And I love them, too.
Love,
Parthena
dreams and the supernatural, 
growth, 
confidence, 
success, 
domestic violence, 
abuse survivors, 
emotional healing
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